It is heart-warming to see how Brexit has brought the most unlikely people together. Not least is the relationship between Mr Jacob Rees Mogg, Gent., and that paragon of middle class servility, Andrew Brigden (officer class candidate: failed). It might even be rumoured that their bonding could underpin an initiative in the Tory Manifesto to set up an ‘Ask Mogg’ helpline for the socially inferior.
The Government sponsored telephone line would run in parallel with the official existing 999, 111, 101 and 112 numbers but would supply ‘superior advice’ on all matters. Hence, if, for example, people doubted the social standing of the likes of the policeman, doctor, paramedic, firefighter, lawyer, social worker, psychotherapist, yoga teacher, oral hygienist, crystal healer or favoured TV chef advising them, they could contact Mr Rees Mogg, Gent., for his ‘superior advice’.
Were he pressed to explain how he would deal with an expected avalanche of enquiries from a lowly and deferential public, Mr Rees Mogg, Gent., might explain that he had always lamented the abolition of the fagging system at his old school, Eton, and so was delighted to announce that it had now been introduced in the Parliamentary Conservative Party. As a result, jolly little Brigden (officer class candidate: failed) had been assigned to him as his fag and that his first fagging duty would be to stand in for Mr Rees Mogg, Gent., on the helpline when the latter was engaged with other yet more superior business. If questioned about his fag’s ability to provide ‘superior advice’, Mr Rees Mogg, Gent.,might point out that his fag’s sycophancy and inferior intellectual and social status would ensure that he would not “go off on a frolic of his own’ but would faithfully reflect the simplistic and superior views of his fag master, Mr Jacob Rees Mogg, Gent..